Dead beat Kenya topped Google search
It’s no surprise that Dead beat Kenya topped Google search trends last month. Dead beat Kenya is a facebook page that exposes men who do not support their children, thus the name Dead beat. I support this page because for far too long many children have been suffering. The other case that was in the limelight recently was the prayers-in-a-lodging drama. Where a pastor claimed to be praying for someone’s wife in a rented motel room. So serious was the case of the flu. That they both had to remove all their clothes and get in bed.
The saying that bad news sell was the case here. Which goes to show how much we enjoy seeing other people’s misery the mass-feel-good therapy.
This brings me to my point; there are many good, happy, strong and nurturing marriages out there. Despite dead beat Kenya. These good marriages are not highlighted as much. And when one does talk about them, very few they are not headline news.
This makes many a couple oblivious to the fact that they are in a great marriage. Most only realize how good they had it when all is almost lost or for the unlucky ones when it’s gone. So today please pause and assess your marriage/relationship before you complain.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not too naive to believe that all marriages are beds of roses. Red, soft and smelling divine. Yes there are soft petals and also rough leaves with thorns that hurt too.
In other words, there are lows and high in all marriages; mine included. Having said that, I don’t want to dish out advice that our grandmothers gave. That women must persevere not matter what – even when he is cheating. And is abusive especially physical abuse . Neither would I tell my brother to ‘control’ his wife when the woman might bring him diseases and the kids are not his.
How then can one gauge how good or how bad their marriage is? Revaluation is key. This must be a personal journey and not a women’s chama (group) or drinking buddies discussion. One must soul-search themselves. So other don’t influence or incite us to making the wrong decision – woman are good at that.
My husband always jokes he can tell the type of women I had give a talk, on sex and relationship as soon as I get home. He says their bitterness or joy with men in their lives rubs on me, at least for that day.
So like I said before, marriage is full of up and downs. The true measure of a good marriage would be how many highs (happy moments). compared to the lows (fights and disagreements). As for the lows, how do you as a couple fight or disagree and more how do you make up? How does he/she treat you when you are down in your career, sad or having problems with your extended family? Is there always support regardless? While at it also be honest on how you treat your better half when they are down too.
If you are honest with yourself. You will figure it out. But, if you prefer to compare your spouse with other people’s husbands/wives. Or take to heart cheap exaggerated talk, you might live to regret it.
In the cause of my work I have met folks who have very good marriages that have endured extreme testing. And came out smelling like roses. While others ended in trouble fail due to none issues. Take the case of Ken and Pam (names changed to protect their identity).
Case study: Husband couldn’t penetrate
Ken and Pam married for a while. One day Ken had a stroke that left him paralyzed on one side. Before the stroke, they had had a great vibrant sex life – their sex drive well matched. It took a while before Ken recovered and gained mobility. Albeit slower than before, but the doctor gave him a clean bill of health as far as Mombasa Raha (sex) with his wife. To Pam’s delight. During foreplay the first time they attempted, Ken was able to get erect. Unfortunately he could not sustain it long enough for penetration. This frustrated Ken, but Pam reassured him that it would get better with time. After months without success. Pam decided she was asking too much of her husband. Thus stopped making any moves or even talk about Mombasa raha. She as most women can. Was able to suppress all sexual feeling and was quite content. But this was eating away at Ken’s ego as a man.
Permission to seek a lover
Out of the blues one day. Ken told her that he would understand if she got herself a lover. As long as she would be discreet. He didn’t want to know when it happened nor with whom. She was still young and had needs and deserved happiness he reasoned. This is a tempting proposition. I am sure so many married people would have jumped at the opportunity. But not Pam. She immediately said a big “NO”. Reminded Ken of their vows – for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. To her their marriage was far bigger than sexual pleasure. Thereafter, tension started building up in the marriage. They started having arguments, disagreements and episodes of ‘nil by mouth’. That’s when Pam sought my help on how to restore their relationship and Mombasa Raha.
After interviewing them. I realized that deep down they still loved and cherished each other. Both we hurting. Pam felt betrayed and degraded by her husband’s suggestion. While Ken felt he was not ‘man enough’. That his wife despised him for not ‘performing’. During counselling we discussed ways and means of satisfying each other without penetration. That brought back lots of excitement. And the pressure to perform ended. With time Ken recovered and all was well. Now can you imagine the love and respect he has for his wife?
What touched me about this marriage. Is the fact that Ken loves his wife so much that he would rather she gets sexual relief elsewhere. Pam but would rather die first before betraying their marriage.
Also love the fact that they work through their problems together. Regardless of the situation makes their marriage worth celebrating. I urge you today to celebrate your relationship. Write at least 5 good attributes of your spouse that you like and thank GOD for what you have. Let’s not just talk about dead beat Kenya only.