Despite dead beat Kenya, there many good marriages worth celebrating
It’s no surprise that Dead Beat Kenya topped Google search trends last month; dead beat Kenya is a page that exposes men who do not support their children, thus the name Dead beat. I fully support this page because for far too long many children have been suffering. The other case that was in the limelight recently was the prayers-in-a-lodging drama where a pastor was caught red handed with someone’s wife in a lodging purportedly praying for a very serious case of the flu; so serious was the case that they both had to remove all their clothes and get in bed. The saying that bad news sell is clearly the case here, which goes to show how much we enjoy seeing other people’s misery the mass-feel-good therapy.
This brings me to my point; there are many good, happy, strong and nurturing marriages out there. The fact that they are not being highlighted as much and when they are, nobody is interested makes many a couple oblivious to the fact that they are in a great marriage. Most only realize how good they had it when all is almost lost or for the unlucky ones when it’s gone. So today my friend I would like you to pause and evaluate your marriage/relationship before you complain.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not too naive as to believe that marriage is a bed of rose petals; red, soft and smelling divine. Not at all, marriage is a bed of roses, yes; the soft petals, the rough leaves and the prickly thorns that really hurt. In other words, there are lows and high in all marriages; mine included. Having said that, I don’t want to dish out advice that our grandmothers gave; that women must persevere not matter what – even when he is cheating openly or is being physically abusive. Neither would I tell my brother to ‘control’ his wife when clearly the woman might bring him diseases and the kids are not his.
How then can one gauge how good or how bad their marriage is? Revaluation – this must be a personal venture and not a women’s chama (group) or drinking buddies discussion. As a matter of fact, we must desist as much as possible options of others and do the soul-searching our selves; my husband always jokes he can tell the type of women I had give a talk on sex and relationship as soon as I get home. He says their bitterness or joy with men in their lives rubs on me, at least for that day.
So like I said before, marriage is full of up and downs, so as far as I am concerned the true measure would be how many highs (happy moments) as compared to the lows (fights and disagreements). As for the lows how do you as a couple fight or disagree and more importantly how do you make up? How does he/she treat you when you are down in your career, sad or having problems with your extended family? Is there always support regardless? While at it also be honest as to how you treat your better half when they are down too.
If you are honest with yourself, you will figure it out, but if you prefer to compare your spouse with other people’s husbands/wives out there or take to heart cheap exaggerated talk, you might live to regret it.
Now in the cause of my work I have met folks who have very good marriages that have been tested to the extreme and came out smelling like roses, while others ended in trouble. Take the case of Ken and Pam (names changed to protect their identity).
Husband couldn’t penetrate
Ken and Pam had been married for a while when suddenly Ken had a stroke that left him partially paralyzed on one side. Before the stroke, they had had a great vibrant sex life – their sex drive almost perfectly matched. It took a while before Ken recovered and gained mobility, albeit slower than before, but the doctor gave him a clean bill of health as far as Mombasa Raha (sex) with his wife. To Pam’s delight during foreplay the first time they attempted, Ken was able to get erect, but unfortunately he could not sustain it long enough for penetration.
This really frustrated Ken, but Pam reassured him that it would get better with time. After a number of months without success, Pam decided she was asking too much of her husband, thus stopped making any moves or even talk about Mombasa raha. She as most women can, was able to suppress all sexual feeling and was quite content, but this was really eating away at Ken’s ego as a man. Out of the blues one day Ken told her that he would understand if she got herself a lover as long as she would be discreet, he didn’t want to know when it happened nor with whom. She was still young and had needs and deserved happiness he reasoned.
This is a tempting proposition and I am sure so many married people would have jumped at the opportunity, but not Pam. She immediately said I big NO and reminded Ken of their vows; for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, she also told him that as far as she was concerned their marriage was far bigger than sexual pleasure. Thereafter, tension started building up in the marriage and they started having arguments, disagreements and episodes of ‘nil by mouth’.
That’s when Pam sought my help on how to restore their relationship and Mombasa Raha. After interviewing them separately, I realized that deep down they still loved and cherished each other deeply. It also become apparent that both we hurting; Pam felt betrayed and degraded by her husband’s suggestion while Ken felt he was not ‘man enough’ and that his wife despised him for not performing. So after counselling them, they felt assured then we discussed ways and means of satisfying each other sexual even without penetration, when brought back lots of excitement. With time Ken recovered fully and all was well, now can you imagine the love and respect he has for his wife?
What really touched me about this marriage is the fact that Ken loves his wife so much that he would rather she gets sexual relief elsewhere, and Pam would rather die first before betraying their marriage. Also the fact that they work through their problems together, regardless of the situation makes their marriage worth celebrating.
I urge to day to celebrate your relationship, write at least 5 good attributes of your spouse that you like and thank GOD for what you have.